A little bit of Reflection

Now my time is winding down in the Philippines. I only have one more month and I am trying to make a conscious effort to save the money I have but am somehow not succeeding. I feel like I may not have been fair when I discussed the expat communities in my last blog. I thought about it and it really isn't fair to categorize a whole group of people. I have a lot of good French friends and friends from over European countries so it is not as if I really harbor a strong prejudice against them but I just lost my patience a while ago. It is also interesting that I am really European and most of my family is from or lives currently in France, England, and Switzerland. Unfortunately, I can't say I feel a lot of cultural solidarity among that part of my family. I love and respect them but at the end of the day I will usually relate to Americans first. My whole life I have been indoctrinated with American culture and the cheap watery beer. So I guess it really is true that beer is thicker than blood.

I believe animosity for a specific group of people whether it is a racial, cultural, or regional distinction does inevitably from an insecurity or frustration from within one's self. Probably, the reason that I get angry when I see young college students is because my time at college wasn't really so awesome and so this frustration translates itself into negative energy without me being aware. With the French the situation is different. I make arguments to French people about how I dislike Charles de Gaulle and his apparent lack of gratitude to American, Canadian, and English sacrifice to liberate France. I call French people hypocritical who call America imperialistic and maybe insinuate that the French are somewhat lazy for being so comfortable with a socialist government. At the end of the day, these aren't real reasons for disliking French people. Even if there is truth with some of these arguments, it isn't a justification to be judgmental. It is the same sort of irrational, emotionally charged rhetoric a racist uses to justify his racism. Probably the real reason why I seem to have tension with French people lies in my the fact I've been told I was French for my whole life but it never really resonated with me. In my home, my parents emphasized the European culture and at school I would tell kids that I was French and it made me feel special in a way. The end result was that I felt vaguely isolated. I was not really able to fully integrate myself with Americans because of this vague notion that I was different but eventually due to my inability to speak French, I didn't eat French food, and I never really related to French culture, this veil was removed to expose the void of a cultural identity. However I did and still do respect French poets and philosophers but anyone with taste would. This emptiness translated into a negative attitude towards French people. I would probably talk to a psychologist about this if I thought they would have anything intelligent to say or I believed in what they do. Basically, what I am trying to say is that when somebody makes negative generalizations about a group of people they are probably harboring some sort of psychological repression.

These considerations also help expand my lack of understanding of the Philippines and my experience here. I recently had lunch with an American guy running a renewable energy business here who is vaguely connected to my Dad. He's a nice guy and it was nice to meet an American guy here that I can relate to. Through our conversation there was one aspect that really resonated with me. We were discussing Filipino politics and how the over-bearing, institutionalized corruption here makes the whole conversation depressing and a bit futile. As administrations change, the same corruption lingers and continues to hamper the development of this country. I've written about this before but when I said it was kind of depressing how little hope there seem to be for a positive change here he replied:

“Yeah it is depressing but this isn't your reality. It's theirs. You live here now but you know you will leave after awhile. Filipinos live this reality for their whole lives. Imagine how depressing it is for them.”

This affected me because it struck a cord with arrogance that had been developing within myself. I do live modestly and am regularly exposed to the sufferings of the impoverished but can I really say I understand their situation? I can go to all of the slums in Manila. I can talk to thousands of people dying of malnourishment when there is ample food available but I will never really understand. For me to say that I have a more enlightened point of view than other people is the epitome of arrogance. I do care about this place and will continue to try and grasp the issues here but I can't have pretensions that I will walk away with real answers. Perhaps notions of answers, that really is all that I can expect.